Have you heard statements like “I know I will not make it!”, “I’m going to fail.” or “Things never work out right for me”, “They won’t say yes”, or “He will say no”.
Have you said something like this to yourself at times? Did you notice that negative self-talk becomes a habit when one negative thought after another binds us in the chain of negative thinking?
Recently, I had a conversation with a lady in her mid-forties. Negativity and depressive thoughts were etched in her mind and dripped from her lips as she spoke. No matter what I said, she insisted that she had nothing to be happy about and that her heart had closed doors to happiness.
After thirty minutes of trying to help her remember something that would bring her some happiness, I ran out of patience but was determined to help her break the chain of negativity. Whatever I said, she just replied, I don’t feel good anymore.
Suddenly I spotted a tiny colorful bird chirping at the window and pointed out to her. Her face lit up and her response was immediate: “I love birds and flowers and plants.” This was the turning point. We then continued having a beautiful conversation about birds, plants, and nature for over an hour. Slowly she opened up, and confided she had given up doing gardening, nature trails, and everything she liked because someone close to her said she was wasting her time and energy!
I explained that every person is entitled to his or her perspective but it is up to us to decide what is worth pursuing. She thanked me profusely for helping her break that chain of negativity where she had started imagining that she was good for nothing.
Negative thinking often comes from beliefs about ourselves formed because of our experiences. Sometimes it comes from words that someone we care for said that hurt us badly. Unconsciously we start imagining that we are good for nothing and begin doubting our capabilities. Consequently, we start treating ourselves despicably and begin to fall in our own eyes.
Why do people engage in negative self-talk?
Here are a few reasons why people engage in negative self-talk:
- Our brains are wired for survival, and negativity can sometimes feel protective.
- Negative self-talk can be learned from others. If you grew up with critical parents or bullies, their negativity might become your inner critic.
- Conditions like anxiety and depression can often fuel negative self-talk. When you are very anxious, you might catastrophize situations.
- Striving for flawlessness can lead to harsh self-criticism when you fall short.
It’s important to remember that negative self-talk is not always a conscious choice. It can become a habit that you might not even realize is happening. The key is to become aware of your self-talk patterns and challenge them with more realistic and helpful thoughts.
Some ideas to help you break the chain of Negative thinking
Have you fallen prey to negativity yourself? Here are some ideas to help you break the chain of negative thinking:
- Become self-aware: The first step is to pay attention to your self-talk and identify the patterns in your thoughts to check if there is an element of negativity. Example: You’re preparing an important presentation. A negative thought might be, “I’m going to mess this up for sure.” Become aware of this thought and recognize it as a negative pattern.
- Challenge your thoughts: Once you identify a negative thought, challenge its validity. Ask yourself if these thoughts are helpful in any way. Example: After catching the negative thought, challenge it. Ask yourself, “Is it true that I’ll mess up? Have I messed up every presentation before?” Chances are, you have done well many times. Challenging your negative thoughts, helps you to understand if the negativity has been exaggerated.
- Reframe your thoughts: Reframe your negative thoughts into positive ones. Example: instead of thinking “I’m going to fail in this interview,” focus on your preparation and keep telling yourself “I’m prepared and I’m going to do my best.”
- Focus on the positive: Make a conscious effort to focus on the positive aspects of everything. Focusing on the positive aspects can help in seeing a different perspective. Example: Keep a gratitude journal or before going to bed every night recount all the things that went right and you are grateful for. This could be anything from the time you spent with your colleague solving a problem, or your good health to a funny thing someone did.
- Be kind to yourself: Negative self-talk can be self-destructive. Treat yourself with compassion and understanding, just like you would treat a close one. Apply the golden rule to yourself – do to others as you would have others do to you. If you despise yourself how will others like you? Example: Instead of thinking, “I’m such an idiot for making this mistake,” say, “Everyone makes mistakes. What can I learn from this one and do better next time?”
- Be Patient: Changing your thought patterns takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and keep applauding every step you take in that direction along the way. Example: Instead of thinking, “I’ll never break the chain of negative thinking,” say, “I know it takes time to change, I’m sure I will succeed!”
- Seek help: Even after trying consistently for a long time, If you fail to break the habit of negative thinking, consider seeking professional help from a counselor or therapist.
Tips to help others overcome Negativity
You can also help others overcome negativity. Here are some simple tips which can help you to help others:
- Be a good listener: Lend them a listening ear without judgment. Let them vent their frustrations and express their negativity. Sometimes just having someone to talk to can be a big relief.
- Ask questions: Help them explore the roots of their negativity. Ask gently, “How about looking at it differently?” or “What makes you feel so?” This can open up a new perspective or viewpoint. You can through questions move them towards positivity. Ask questions like “What were you good at? What did you enjoy doing?” Help them recall their strengths and passions.
- Offer encouragement and support: Remind them of their strengths and past successes. Let them know you believe in them and their ability to overcome challenges. Respect their boundaries. Don’t force positivity on them. Let them know you’re there for them when they’re ready to talk.
- Focus on solutions: Instead of dwelling on the negative, help them brainstorm solutions to their problems. Empower them to take control and make positive changes. Exercise, spending time in nature, or practicing mindfulness help in nurturing a positive outlook.
- Lead by example: People tend to pick up on the moods and behaviors of those around them. By staying optimistic, you can model a more hopeful way of thinking. Avoid negativity yourself. Never make the mistake of joining in gossiping or complaining with them.
- Encourage healthy habits: Recommend activities such as exercise, spending time in nature, or practicing mindfulness as they can boost mood and well-being. A healthy lifestyle helps in developing a positive outlook. You can request them to join you while you participate in such activities.
- Be patient: Changing thought patterns takes time and effort. Be patient with them and praise their progress.
- Suggest professional help: If their negativity seems overwhelming or interferes with their daily life, gently suggest seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor. A therapist can provide them with tools and strategies to manage negative thinking patterns.
Remember, negativity does not help in any way, it only adds to unhappiness. You can’t force someone to be positive, but you can offer support and encouragement on their journey towards a more positive outlook. If you shift people from negativity to positivity, you have done great service to the person and society.
Wait no more, let us join hands to create a happier world!
