I was surprised to receive a call from my neighbour yesterday. There seemed to be an urgency in her voice, she wanted to meet me. I agreed to meet her at the coffee shop an hour later.

She was there before me! I smiled through my mask and sat on the chair opposite her. She looked stressed. Started the conversation and blurted out that her relationship with her husband and children was very strained these days. Has been losing her cool very often, getting very angry with her family members. Nothing was going right for her! She was very unhappy!

I realised that the pandemic has brought out the best in many but perhaps the worst in too many! The pressures of life in the pandemic time have undoubtedly been hard on many around us.

When you let Anger get the Best of You, it brings out the Worst in You!

The Problem

I realised that the problem she was going through was not new. You will agree with me that fathers screaming at their children, wives screaming at husbands, children getting irritated with parents, or bosses losing their cool at the workplace was not uncommon even before the pandemic.

When we analyse, the reasons for such behaviour could be as trivial as children being lazy, no salt in the food set at the table, husband not informing that he would be coming home late, an employee not completing a job on time, and so on….

Think of the times when you have been angry with a family member, carried this emotion to work which led to an outburst that ruined a colleagues’ day. Times, when you carried your irritation with your boss home and ruined a perfect family evening.

Angry outbursts could lead to long-lasting resentment and unhappy relationships. It can also make people want to take revenge.

We know that irritation and anger are both negative emotions and have harmful effects not only on our relationships but also on our health. Medical Science tells us that they are often the cause of hypertension, heart problems, headaches, skin disorders, and digestive problems. Studies tell us that these emotions when not managed well can lead to alcoholism and drug abuse, emotional and physical abuse, and other violent behaviours. It becomes a vicious circle as one leads to another and makes it more difficult to come out of it. The need, therefore, undoubtedly is to learn to manage our emotions of anger and irritation

The Consequences

If you rationally think, there are times you didn’t mean to be rude to someone but you could not regulate emotions, hence, the outburst and the damage is done! This has caused agony to you and the victim of your verbal assault. All you got from getting angry or irritated is unhappiness!

Why do we feel irritated or angry? Psychologists define anger as a natural emotion experienced by everyone at different times. It gets evoked as a defence mechanism for survival or protection from what one considers an intrusion in their life.

The Rule Book

The question remains, how do you deal with irritation and anger? I kept on thinking about why do we get irritated and angry. I soon realised that each one of us knowingly or unknowingly has some rules for everyone in our mind. We can term it “expected behaviour”. Every time a person’s behaviour is not in line with our defined “expected behaviour” we become irritated and angry and the outcome may be rude or irrational outbursts.

So you see, you get angry with everyone because they don’t behave with you in the way you expect them to. Just think, they too have their expectations from you. Maybe after a stressful day’s work, they are looking for some comforting words and coffee, surely not a sermon on keeping the room tidy!

I was convinced that happiness will elude us and we will ruin our relationships until we are able to manage the negative emotions of irritation and anger. In search of solutions, I read many self-help books and discussed with many people who seem calm. I found some tips that work. I am sharing them with you right here:

Tips to Manage Anger and Irritation

• Have a frank conversation with all the family members on how to improve the family happiness quotient. Ground rules for the conversation: not to blame anyone, complain about anyone, or justify actions during the conversation.
• When you recognise that you are feeling angry – take a deep breath and count slowly up to 50. You will find your anger has thawed.
• Engage in positive self-talk – say phrases such as “relax be calm” or “take it easy”. Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply until the anger subsides.
• If you are irritated especially by something that somebody continuously does or by something that continuously happens, take a deep breath and talk about it gently with the person concerned. Probably, the other person is not even aware that his/her action is irritating you.
• Look at yourself in the mirror, you can also use your phone camera as a mirror. When you see your angry face, you will certainly calm down.
• Learn to laugh at yourself and see humour in situations.
• Recite the Serenity Prayer.

The Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

While these tips do help, I found something more effective – the words from The Holy Bible,

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”(Matthew 7:12).

These words truly made a difference in my life. Now, every time I meet a person who doesn’t meet my definition of “expected behaviour”, I take a deep breath and ask myself, ” how will I feel if they shouted at me?” The moment I ask this question to myself, I become empathetic and don’t react adversely. In fact, I become calm.

You can try it out. It will surely calm you down and help you to be empathetic and compassionate. You will feel de-stressed. Most importantly, it will help you to preserve relationships and you will become a happier person and be a source of joy to others!!!

If nothing helps, do see a therapist.

Learn to manage your anger and irritation, it is the key to happier relationships!